The Narcissist

I am a regular guy with lot of quirks. I have not taken the trouble to classify myself into a lot of categories based on looks and personality, nor do I follow "trends" very often. When I grow old, I wish to look back and be proud of the fact that I am a self-made man, an independent and rational thinker, who preferably has accomplished something in life and made a name for himself. These are easy to say, but unimaginably difficult for someone like me.

What is one thing that stands apart in me? I try. I try with the utmost enthusiasm that I can conjure from inside. Becoming a victim to biases is a regular affair and it can be consoled by accepting that I am human, and all humans are flawed and biased. But how is it that I always seem to fail and everyone around me bathes in success. Is it confirmation bias? Impostor syndrome?

A bit of thinking tells me "NO!" The reason for my failure is my inability to organize my life, plan and execute the plan comfortably. I am addicted to my laptop, because of which I find it incredibly difficult to spend time and study, and consequently my enthusiasm for learning does not get engineered into academic success. Having a very low attention span (most probably due to the computer addiction), most often feedbacked by a lack of sleep, it tries very hard to drive me into depression, only to face a crushing defeat every time, the only silver lining here.

Yet, failure is a determined enemy. It possesses an attraction to me that I too feel the need to reciprocate. However, that is downright madness. I am still in the process of finding out how to face it while minimizing the mental damage. Perhaps I may never find a solution, because of which there will be lots of casualties, most notably my career. As I see around, most people seem to have figured it out and are meeting with one success after another. Winning treats them and gives me, the poor old man shivering in the cold of the street, a dime.

It is only left to experience what fate has in mind for me (just an expression, I am not an avid believer of "fate" or "karma").